


videotape

by mouthfulofmint



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pining, Requited Unrequited Love, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Unrequited Love, kind of. its up to interpretation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:01:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26205352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mouthfulofmint/pseuds/mouthfulofmint
Summary: Every smile Yamaguchi gave Kei was genuine and bright.Kei subconsciously came to realize that he didn’t hate the smiles at all, he loved them. That is, he loved when Yamaguchi smiled forhim.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 67





	videotape

**one.**

Yamaguchi smiled a lot, Kei noticed. No matter the person, they would always be graced with one of Yamaguchi’s many smiles, ranging from soft and closed lipped to full on toothy grins with sparkling eyes. In the early years of their friendship, Kei thought it was slightly annoying how his best friend could be so warm towards just anyone.

In fact, it really bothered him.

Especially when he saw a certain smile in particular. The forced out kind that were reserved for only the sake of being polite, not because Yamaguchi was actually pleased. It was a waste, Kei thought, dishonest. What was the point of pretending for someone else?

The absolute worst though, was being on the receiving end of one of those smiles. Kei would always counter them with a frown and a “What’s that look for, Yamaguchi?” 

There usually wouldn’t be an answer. 

Over the years, Yamaguchi sent less and less fake smiles towards Kei, the event becoming just about obsolete. Both of them expected the other to be honest around each other, no matter what honest meant. That was how they liked it.

Every smile Yamaguchi gave Kei was genuine and bright. 

Kei subconsciously came to realize that he didn’t hate the smiles at all, he loved them. That is, he loved when Yamaguchi smiled for _him._

Making snarky remarks had always been in his nature, but with Yamaguchi around, he allowed it to increase ten-fold. Yamaguchi was sweet as sugar and would never intend to hurt anyone, but Kei could always hear a giggle from behind his back after he'd chided someone. Sometimes from the corner of his eye he could even see Yamaguchi covering his mouth with his hand, trying to hide the sly smirk he knew was there. Other times it was plain to see.

If he was being honest, it made him feel really good, but he would play it off as self pride.

With each day, however, it became more and more difficult to deny the truth. When the corners of Yamaguchi’s mouth turned up, eyes squinting, freckled cheeks puffing up, Kei felt something rise in his chest. 

And that extended far beyond one situation.

On their walks home full of joking around, the nights Yamaguchi would stay over, or during their little talks during lunch, Yamaguchi’s smile appeared regularly. Sometimes Kei thought it was too easy to get his face to light up, but in truth, it was never something to complain about. Those moments felt like theirs, and their only. He held onto them. 

By now, Kei knew there was no use in denying that he had feelings for his best friend, at least not to himself. He was aware he had a bad habit of pushing things down below the surface to drown them out. And that everything eventually came back up in the end anyway, causing more harm than if only he had confronted them. So, Tsukishima Kei accepted it. He loved his best friend, even when a best friend was all Yamaguchi could ever be. That’s what he told himself.

But Kei was something of a hypocrite. There was a limit to his acceptance he was still unaware of. In his mind, not much had changed over the years. Those nights he spent unable to sleep were just a result of stress. It didn’t matter much to Kei that he saw those freckled cheeks and dimples appear every time he started to drift off. He just didn’t enjoy the fact that the dreams had been waking him up in the middle of the night, most _every_ night, for the last six months. 

Tonight was no exception to the rule.

Yamaguchi’s forehead was pressed against Kei’s, his eyes closed peacefully. Kei studied his long eyelashes, wondering at how absolutely _pretty_ they were. He didn’t understand how this could be real. Yamaguchi seemed more cosmic, as though he belonged in the sky amongst the stars. 

Kei felt himself moving in closer, the tips of their noses touching. He took a quick deep breath. They could be closer still… 

His eyes snapped open and he let out an immediate groan, twisting the sheets as he flipped onto his side. His heart pounded in his ears. As lovely as the content of the dreams could be, he often woke up feeling as though they were nightmares instead. 

Much to his dismay, the clock read 03:27, and he knew he wouldn’t be falling asleep anytime soon. With an exhale, he reached for his phone, preparing for some mindless scrolling to quiet his brain again. He found Instagram was a perfect place to scroll until he passed out, and it was often what happened on nights like these

Less than a minute in, his phone buzzed. 

**Yamaguchi** : _Tsukki??_

Kei was taken by surprise. Yamaguchi was never awake at this hour. He tapped the message immediately, inwardly cringing at himself for being so excited to receive a text message from the person who was the reason for his insomnia to begin with.

 **Tsukishima** : _What are you awake for?_

 **Yamaguchi** : _I can’t sleep. What are u awake for?_

Kei thought back to a time he overheard Yachi telling her friends that if a person was unable to sleep at night, it meant there was someone thinking of them. He thought it was a stupid theory, but right now, he couldn’t help but wonder if Yamaguchi had heard about it too. He wondered if Yamaguchi had any inkling that he was on Kei’s mind.

 **Tsukishima** : _Me neither_

 **Yamaguchi** : _What’s up?_

Well you see, Yamaguchi, every time I close my eyes I picture your face and it makes it very hard to sleep. 

**Tsukishima** : _Bad dreams_

 **Yamaguchi** : _Sorry Tsukki : < _

He really didn’t want to talk anymore. He would sooner opt to stare up at the ceiling for the rest of the night. Yamaguchi didn’t need to know about his weird dreams, and Kei didn’t need comfort. He would work this out on his own. 

**Tsukishima** : _It’s okay_

 **Tsukishima** : _Goodnight Yamaguchi_

The little bubble signifying that Yamaguchi was typing lasted for nearly a minute before cutting out, as though he had decided against sending a message. Kei huffed, setting his phone down on the bedside table. He decided to make an attempt to relax, allowing his eyes to close. He hoped laying there pretending to sleep could count as some form of rest.

… 

By the time he smacked the ball down on the other side of the court in his final block of practice, Kei was completely and utterly exhausted. It made him think he might even get in a good night's sleep tonight. Thinking of collapsing into bed was the most heavenly thing he could imagine right now. He sighed contentedly, wiping the sweat from his brow. Finishing up a good practice always had a way of clearing his mind. 

He did his part in cleaning up, wordlessly helping Kageyama take down the net. He was beginning to find that the setter wasn’t all that bad. After two years of back and forth bickering, the both of them decided they didn’t really have anything to fight over anymore, and it would be easiest for them to just get along. Sometimes they would even share a joke, usually in reference to something they mutually found entertaining about Hinata. 

After packing the net up in the storage room, Kei made his way over to his bag sitting beside Yamaguchi where he leaned against the wall. He looked rather worn out himself, head tilted back and his eyes closed. As Kei arrived, he gave a light kick to Yamaguchi’s shoe to notify him of his presence. 

“Mmph,” Yamaguchi grunted, kicking back at Kei's calf in a slightly rougher fashion.

Kei paid no mind, already making his way out the door. “C’mon, let’s go.” 

He knew Yamaguchi had caught up when he heard the soft pant of breath at his back. He turned his head to see Yamaguchi red faced and staring right up at him, smiling. Kei felt something tighten in his throat, forcing him to swallow. _This is a normal look, you’re his friend._

“Are you tired?” Yamaguchi asked as he fell into rhythm alongside Kei’s steps, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

“Yeah. I didn’t end up sleeping much last night,” Kei confessed. It had taken him another hour to fall asleep after texting Yamaguchi, and it was an unsteady sleep at that. When his alarm went off it felt like he had simultaneously been in bed for half an hour and for a hellish eternity. 

“Nightmares suck, I’m sorry, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi offered quietly, sweetly.

Why did he have to say it so sweetly? 

“I’ll be okay, but right now I’m tired enough to just lay down and fall asleep against that pole.” Kei gestured to a streetlight across the way.

Yamaguchi chuckled, shaking his head. “Let’s not do that.” 

Kei smiled faintly to himself, making a conscious effort to store the sound of Yamaguchi's laugh in his memory. 

Their walk was quiet, mostly because they both knew Kei was even less chatty than usual when he was tired. Neither of them minded though, and Kei found the crunch of leaves underfoot to be enough noise. Autumn in Miyagi was beautiful and comforting, to Kei it felt like the literal definition of home. He couldn’t imagine he would ever stray very far from the place he had grown up. 

He knew the same wasn’t true for Yamaguchi, though. He made it very clear that he wanted to get out and move to the city. Osaka, specifically, was his dream. Kei wanted him to be happy, he really did, but he would be lying if he said the thought of Yamaguchi leaving didn’t sting a little.

No, a lot. 

One of the things he loved most about their small town were his memories of time spent with Yamaguchi. Those memories took up a large section of both of their childhoods, of their _entire lives,_ even. He knew it was wrong, but it felt like a betrayal when he thought about how desperately Yamaguchi wanted out of Miyagi. Like he wanted to leave Kei behind as well.

He was a bad person for thinking this way, surely. It was a perfect example of why Yamaguchi should never be anything but a friend. Kei was too selfish. Yamaguchi deserved to meet someone nice, someone better in Osaka and—

“Do you wanna come for dinner?” Yamaguchi’s voice broke Kei from his thoughts. He realized they had already reached Yamaguchi’s street.

He wanted to have dinner with Yamaguchi, and probably would have said yes if his mood hadn’t been soured by his troublesome thoughts. But now he knew it was a bad idea. 

“I think I’d better just head home,” he said, shooting a quick glance and tight smile at his friend, hoping it would convey his rejection as gentle. 

Yamaguchi nodded, sending his own stiff smile in return. Kei’s stomach knotted.

“Alright. Soon though?” 

“Sure, Yamaguchi,” Kei said with a wave as he walked farther down the diverging street.

“Get some sleep tonight!” Yamaguchi called over his shoulder. 

Kei really hoped he would. 

_Warm hands on the back of his neck, their owners’ weight pressing down on his thighs, light filtering through their hair. The steady rise and fall of breath, the smell of cinnamon. Yamaguchi’s face buried in his chest._

_Was he sleeping? Kei carded a hand through the boy’s hair gently, sighing, leaving the other on the small of his back._

_No, he was awake, He sighed in return, lifting his head to meet Kei’s gaze. He was smiling, like he had found heaven in their touch._

_“I love you, Tsukki.”_

His eyes opened, the clock read 06:30. He had made it through until morning. 

**two.**

The following months were really nothing to write home about. Things went smoothly for the volleyball club and in Kei’s studies, and he had been accepted to university in Sendai. Kei had always heard that the last year of high school would fly by in a breeze, but he didn’t realize how true it was until the final week was upon him. 

He and Yamaguchi even started having lunch with Hinata and Kageyama on a regular basis. The four of them knew without actually expressing it that they had grown attached to each other through the years, even if they didn’t want to admit it. It wasn’t like they were the best of friends anyway. Although secretly (really, he'd never admit to anyone), Kei figured the freak duo were the closest thing he had to friends beside Yamaguchi. 

Yamaguchi’s excitement grew by the day. He would be going to Osaka Institute of Technology next semester. He was shocked that he had gotten in, almost having not applied in the first place. In the end he did it, as a result of Kei’s nagging. He may not have wanted Yamaguchi to move to Osaka, but he knew he could make it. He had always been a great student and a hard worker, and Kei knew he deserved it, he deserved to be happy. 

“Yamaguchi, Osaka? Awesome!” Hinata cried, pulling him down for a rough hug. Yamaguchi stumbled slightly, nearly knocking the both of them over. A laugh escaped his lips, and Kei could feel the familiar tug in his chest. It almost wasn’t noticeable anymore, but it was surely still present, the desire he felt when Yamaguchi laughed. _Stop laughing for Hinata, laugh for me instead._

The dreams hadn’t stopped, but they didn't bother Kei much anymore. He slept through them without a stir most nights, and was able to easily cast them out of his mind within a few minutes of waking. He only really felt bad before falling asleep as he laid in bed. On those nights he thought he might just confess to Yamaguchi, maybe it would get the feelings out of his system. 

In a lot of ways, he knew it was a disastrous idea. It could end their friendship, especially at such a fracturing time as this. If it bothered Yamaguchi, he would have an easy time slipping away from Kei now that they wouldn’t see each other every day at school. But maybe that was the point of confessing. He could slip away regardless. If Yamaguchi was going to disappear, Kei wanted him to know how he felt before it was too late. 

Kei watched Yamaguchi and Hinata chat, feeling slightly nauseous, until the bell rang and signified that it was time to head back to class. He got up swiftly in an attempt to get out of there before Yamaguchi could catch up and do that weird _thing_ he had been doing lately. 

“Oh my god, Tsukki, why do you always walk away without me?” 

Nevermind.

There was Yamaguchi at his side, like a shadow. And he was already doing the exact thing Kei had dreaded. Kei had shoved his hands into his pockets as a precaution, but that didn’t deter Yamaguchi from reaching in and pulling one hand out, interlacing Kei’s fingers with his own. 

Kei’s heart rate picked up, his face warming as he looked at the ground. What the hell was it supposed to mean? Yamaguchi had done it all the time when they were kids, when Kei was too young and stupid to appreciate what a gift it was. The hand holding stopped around junior high when other kids started to give them looks. _“I don’t want them to think… you know.”_

Kei had no idea what brought the habit back, and he definitely had no idea how to deal with it. Maybe just breathe? Not that that ever worked. 

“Thought you were talking with Hinata,” he said flatly. 

Yamaguchi huffed, giving Kei’s captive hand a painful squeeze. “You know what I mean!”

Kei just hummed in response. The hallway was crowded, making it difficult for the two of them to navigate while keeping their hands locked. There was no doubt in Kei’s mind that the other students were looking at them. He was sure Yamaguchi knew too. Did he not care what they thought anymore? 

After what felt like forever, they made it to class, and Yamaguchi released Kei’s hand so they could sit down. Kei’s racing thoughts cleared up, his pulse gradually returning to normal. Yamaguchi took a seat facing backwards so they could talk, a look of excitement on his face. 

“Are you still coming over on Friday?” 

The plan was to spend the night at Yamaguchi’s place after the graduation ceremony. They’d have a special meal and make a cake to celebrate the occasion, a suggestion made by Yamaguchi, who had recently taken to baking. He had been practically begging Kei to let him bake something for him ever since.

“Of course.” 

Kei was really looking forward to it. They hadn’t properly spent time together in months, as they were focusing on studying and training. Yamaguchi's position as captain was time consuming as well. By this point, he was craving time alone with Yamaguchi. He had almost forgotten what it was like. _Almost._

“Good!” Yamaguchi beamed, before turning back to face the front of the room. 

He wondered what Yamaguchi was like in the kitchen. He could recall those occasions where they’d make ramen or boiled eggs together, but that was about the extent of Kei’s association between Yamaguchi and cooking. He pictured the focused look that would appear on his face as he read the recipe and measured out the ingredients. Or the way he would look in an apron… would he wear an apron? 

_No. No, stop._

Kei watched the back of Yamaguchi’s head for the rest of class, lost in thought. Throughout the entire hour, not a single word from the instructor registered in his brain. 

… 

“Okay… there.” Yamaguchi had spent the last five minutes adjusting and readjusting Kei’s tie and collar. Kei could sense the nervousness in his movements, but he didn’t comment on it. If anything played into Yamaguchi touching him, it was nothing to mess with. 

“We really did it. Are you nervous?” Yamaguchi asked, voice hushed.

“No, easiest day of my life, Yamaguchi.” 

Of course it really wasn’t, and Yamaguchi could sense that it wasn’t, though of course he didn’t know the real reason why. 

The graduation ceremony was long and boring, and naturally Kei hated every minute of it. When the names of each student were called out, he found he couldn’t even connect name to face for over half of them. He supposed that’s what he got for socially isolating himself as much as possible throughout all his years of high school. 

But then Yamaguchi was called up, and everything flipped, including Kei’s stomach. Something was different about the image of Yamaguchi standing on the stage, head held high as he shook the principal’s hand. He looked like an _adult._ He _was_ an adult now.

The last ten years suddenly felt like a mere week to Kei. His chest burned with a longing for something he could never get back. Heat pricked at the corners of his eyes. 

He really had taken everything for granted. What a typical move for Tsukishima Kei. He had never considered how finite everything was, and as a result, he never allowed himself to fully appreciate the things he held dear. Family, relationships, volleyball…Yamaguchi. 

It all hit him like a ton of bricks. He should have treated Yamaguchi the way he deserved a long time ago, far before his feelings for him had even developed into something beyond just friendship. He should have been more attentive, gentle, and patient. He should have spent so much more time with him, and cherished every second. The fact that he didn’t do these things was the greatest waste of all. 

Yamaguchi’s smile was never a waste. It didn’t matter who it was directed towards or how genuine it was, his smile was everything Kei loved about the world. 

When Yamaguchi returned to his seat beside him, Kei was the one to take his hand first, offering a warm smile along with it. He couldn’t have kept a straight face even if he wanted to. 

“Wait, what’s wrong? Tsukki, why are you crying?” Yamaguchi's eyes widened as he tilted his head to the side, trying to make the connection. 

Oh, That was happening? Kei didn’t know that was happening. He reached up to his cheek, wet with tears. 

“I am? Oh. I am, huh?” 

And then he was laughing, laughing far too loudly for a graduation ceremony. On impulse, Yamaguchi smacked a hand over Kei’s mouth, which only made the situation worse. Kei was crying and laughing even harder than before, one thing exacerbating the other. 

“Yeah, this is so weird,” Yamaguchi muttered, but a smile was present on his face too, peeking through ever so slightly. Kei knew he was trying to hold it back, but he was glad he couldn’t. 

It took a minute for Kei to get back to reality, and when he did, an odd feeling of dejection came back with him. It was like he had gone through an entire manic-depressive cycle in under two minutes, and it had been exhausting. Yamaguchi removed his hand slowly, and stared, still wide eyed and questioning. “What was that?” he whispered.

“...I just don’t know, Yamaguchi.” 

**three.**

“Get me the strawberries, Tsukki.” 

Yamaguchi was racing around the kitchen like a madman, bowls and food containers and stirring implements scattered over every countertop. Kei had assigned himself to cleaning up behind him and trying to be a calming presence, though he wasn’t seeming to make much headway. _So that’s how Yamaguchi was in the kitchen. Utterly insane._

“Tadashi wants strawberries? He should probably ask his dear friend a little more politely,” Kei smirked.

Yamaguchi let out an exasperated sound, throwing his hands up in the air. “Kei, strawberries please! Give them.” 

Kei stiffened a little at the use of his given name. It had been a while since Yamaguchi or anyone called him that, other than his mom. 

“You called me Tadashi, don’t get freaked out,” Yamaguchi commented, as though he were reading the other’s thoughts. Kei watched as he brushed his hands over the front of his shirt in a swift manner. 

Yamaguchi did not, in fact, wear an apron in the kitchen. But Kei thought he should, and it wasn’t only for his own sake anymore, but because Yamaguchi was really, _really_ coated in flour and whatever else had gone into that cake mixture. Kei still found the sight just as endearing as an apron would have been. 

He really _did_ look cute reading the recipe and measuring, though.

Dinner turned out well, but the cake was even better. It was a simple cream frosted vanilla cake, but Yamaguchi added something extra as a treat.

It couldn’t be called strawberry shortcake per se, but in a way it was better. By some magic, Yamaguchi had concocted an amazing strawberry syrup to drizzle over top, which had greatly excited the both of them. He even cut up small slices of the fruit for Kei just in case he wanted extra, which he did. 

Kei was still thanking and complimenting him profusely while the movie was queueing up, Yamaguchi shushing him all the while. It was a sci-fi about robots taking over humanity, some random new release. Kei thought it seemed alright, though he admitted he picked it out at the last minute after seeing an advertisement. 

About halfway through, both him and Yamaguchi came to a wordless agreement that it kind of, no, _really_ sucked, and turned it off.

“I think we’ve seen all the good movies, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi groaned as he stretched, sprawling across the couch. His feet fell to rest on Kei’s legs. 

Heat rose to Kei's cheeks. “Probably. Movies aren’t well made anymore.” 

“So pretentious!” Yamaguchi laughed, throwing his head back, and Kei felt even worse. Yamaguchi had no idea the effect these things had on him. The persistent hand holding, his feet resting on Kei’s lap, that _laugh_ that sounded better than anything he had ever heard in his entire life.

“Y’know, good movies can still be made.” 

“Well, if that’s the case, let me know the next time a good one comes out.” Kei kept his tone flat and composed, forcing himself to look at his friend whose head was still leaning off the edge of the couch. 

“Soon I’ll have to watch them on my own,” Yamaguchi answered almost immediately, with an obvious tone of upset.

Kei swallowed, taken off guard. 

“Yeah.” 

“What do you think about that?” 

Kei shrugged, failing to consider the fact that Yamaguchi still couldn’t see him. He didn’t know if he wanted to answer that question. Part of him begged to let it out, to talk to Yamaguchi like friends would. Another part reminded him of the glaring truth: what he had to say would not leave them fitting the definition of friends. 

The house was silent for a while, aside from the ticking clock inside the kitchen. Kei was on edge as he began to count the seconds. _Eighty-four, eighty-five, eighty-six._ _What did Yamaguchi know?_

_Did he know already what Kei thought about it?_

Yamaguchi shifted, pulling his legs back toward himself and lifting his head. Finally, he looked at Kei, hugging his knees to his chest. Kei recognized the look in his eyes. It was hesitancy, the kind that came before something uncomfortable. 

“What happened earlier? At the ceremony.” 

Kei was indeed uncomfortable. 

“Do you really want me to talk about this?” His answer was quick, seemingly unaffected. _Good._

“Yes…you don’t have to though.” Yamaguchi’s voice was low and serious. It wasn’t often that this happened. Kei knew he was on to him. He was sure his secret was still safe, but if he didn’t play the right cards, that could change very easily. 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” 

It wasn’t the answer Yamaguchi wanted, but he nodded, giving Kei a nod of reassurance anyway. “Do you want to keep watching the movie then?” 

That was just about the last thing Kei wanted, to sit in near silence for another hour after that sort of situation. The sudden spike in anxiety made him want to get up and move around. Maybe they should go for a walk, that might fix things. 

“No, let’s go for a walk.” He sprung to his feet, reaching a hand down to Yamaguchi.

“Tsukki, at eleven-thirty? It’s so dark.” Despite his questioning, he took Kei’s offered hand and allowed himself to be pulled up. 

“Moon’s bright enough.” Kei nodded to the window, through which a bright, full moon could be seen. His mind was made up as he pulled Yamaguchi through the house toward the door where he grabbed a coat from the rack, throwing it around the shorter boy’s shoulders. Yamaguchi really had no way to deny the request, his hand still in Kei’s grasp. 

“Alright, but if I die it’s your fault.” 

Kei smiled. “Shut up, Yamaguchi.” 

… 

Warm night air hit their faces as they stepped out the door. The isolated roads of their little town were lit up a pristine white that night, farm fields resembling pools of light. It was as though everyone and everything was asleep. Now it was the moon's turn to reign over the world, a quiet, observing force. One didn’t even have to look at the sky to know she was there. 

As they walked, Yamguchi found a pebble, which he took to kicking time and time again. He had always been like that, needing something to keep himself busy. Kei watched as the pebble would shoot forward, keeping his eye on it until they came back to it, and Yamaguchi would give another kick. He watched this for about six rounds, until Yamaguchi accidentally sent the thing off into a bush, a cry of disappointment escaping him. 

Kei laughed, earning a playful punch to his arm. 

He watched as Yamaguchi looked up at the sky, noticing the tension in his face fade away. He watched the way his shoulders relaxed, and how his steps slowed to a near stop. He watched as one corner of his mouth twitched up into a half smile. Yamaguchi looked beautiful like this, standing tall and happy and healthy. Kei’s heart ached. 

He loved that he _knew_ him. He loved that he could tell what he was thinking, feeling. He loved that he could see it in his movements. What did he do to deserve this? 

“It’s amazing, isn’t it? I could do this all night,” Yamaguchi remarked.

“Me too.” 

Kei’s _me too_ meant something different, though. He could just _stand there_ all night, watching Yamaguchi, while Yamaguchi watched the moon. It was funny when he thought about it, so fitting for him to be looking at Yamaguchi in admiration like a fool, only for Yamaguchi to be looking somewhere else entirely. That’s how things were, that was fine. 

Unless… 

“It’s so funny, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said suddenly with a hint of a laugh. “I’ll never be able to look at the moon and not think of you. And it’s not just because it’s your name, there’s something else there… you’ve just always been cool like that.” 

_Oh, that’s different._

In less than a second, Kei found himself by Yamaguchi’s side, taking his hand. He wanted to be close to him more than anything. Yamaguchi was smiling at him, and for the first time, Kei couldn’t categorize it. No scale he could ever construct could explain that smile. 

“Tadashi…” he breathed. His head was swimming. Why would he look at him like that? 

Somewhere inside himself, he found the courage to reach up and touch, brushing the back of his hand over Yamaguchi’s cheek and letting it settle on the side of his face, his fingers buried in long, olive brown hair. His lips parted in disbelief at what he was doing, as he let his hand and eyes linger for a moment before pulling it back and looking at the ground. 

He could feel Yamaguchi’s eyes on him, wishing so badly he could return the gaze. 

_If only you knew how long and how much I’ve loved you._

He felt Yamaguchi’s arms wrapping him into a warm hug then, pulling him down so his head settled in the crook of his neck.

“Kei.” 

It was understood. 

Time escaped him as he stood in Yamaguchi’s embrace, breathing in his scent. Just like the Yamaguchi who held him in his dreams, his skin was laced with the comforting smell of cinnamon. 

When they both got into Yamaguchi’s bed, things were different. It was commonplace for them to sleep in the same bed when they’d spend the night, but tonight it felt different _._ Yamaguchi asked Kei if he’d like to cuddle, to which Kei nodded sheepishly, a hint of rose playing on his cheeks

Now he laid on his side, facing the edge of the bed with Yamaguchi’s arm wrapped around him. It felt like something out of a dream, quite literally. He was sure he had dreamed this exact scenario at some point, and Yamaguchi was just as warm and soft as he imagined.

He couldn’t tell if Yamaguchi was still awake. He was usually quick to doze off, but Kei wondered if that would still be the case, considering all that had happened that night. 

He knew he should be able to read Yamaguchi after so many years, but he was left feeling utterly dumbfounded by the last hour. His gentleness certainly wasn’t out of character, and yet, Kei didn’t know how to feel about it. In truth, he couldn’t tell what the intentions behind Yamaguchi’s actions were. 

Was all of this out of pity? Was that the only reason he was in Yamaguchi's arms right now? Yamaguchi certainly had enough power over him that he’d fall for anything instantly. But that wouldn't be something he would ever expect from Yamaguchi, not after all they’d been through. Yamaguchi wasn’t the type to meddle with people’s emotions, especially not Kei’s.

But no matter how many times he dismissed the thought, it slowly managed to find it’s way back in, twisting in his stomach. 

Yamaguchi’s hand rested only a few inches from Kei’s face, the familiar dusting of freckles on top prominent in the moonlight. Kei studied them, counting them one by one until his eyes burned and his vision began to blur. He blinked, feeling tears crawl down his cheek for the second time that day.

_Why does it matter? It shouldn’t matter. It’s Tadashi, and he has his arm around you._

_It’s Tadashi, and it’s more than enough._

Kei took his hand, stroking his thumb over the soft freckled skin. He wouldn’t allow himself to cry anymore tonight. 

He felt a squeeze back, and a shift from behind him as Yamaguchi settled in closer, pulling their hands to Kei’s chest and letting out a contented sigh. 

No, this wasn’t pity.

Kei allowed his eyes to close and focused all his attention on Yamaguchi’s touch, his soft breath on the back of his neck, the feeling of his weight dipping into the mattress behind him. He couldn’t afford to forget it.

It didn’t matter what would happen next, or how far away Yamaguchi would go. Right now, things were okay. There was no reason to look beyond that. 

His breaths evened out, his body relaxed, and wrapped in his best friend’s arms, Kei began to dream. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for Tsukkiyama week day 5 but of course stuff came up and I couldn't post it in time, so please forgive me!  
> I wanted to write a little bit of angst but I didn't feel like doing too much damage to people's hearts so I left the ending a little ambiguous.  
> The title is based on Videotape by Radiohead if you were curious. I listened to it on repeat while writing the ending and even slipped in the slightest hint of a reference.  
> Hope you enjoy it! Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated <3


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